"Missed opportunity." He pressed his hand to his chest briefly in a parody of being dramatic.
"Better? No." He shook his head, looking out over the water. "But much harder not to." He shivered before he could suppress it. It didn't take much of anything to throw him back to that time. The waking flashbacks had stopped some time ago, his dreams a harder holdout. Still, the touch of magic over his skin unexpectedly could have his heart racing in his chest and his muscles quivering to act, direct threat or no. It was part of what made him so good at his job, his ability to go from zero to action at the slightest touch of mana across his senses.
He clenched his fingers together atop his lap. "I don't hate them anymore. I did at first. I'm not proud of that. It wasn't right, but...I couldn't do otherwise. At first I didn't want to try. Then I did and still couldn't. Finally...I don't know. I don't claim to be some bastion of morality. I got tired of being ruled by anger, and I turned out to have better stamina than the emotion when I set my mind to it. I guess I gradually wore all of that down."
He finally looked at her again, an honest, unapologetic look. "I was too complacent before what happened to me. I refused to see the nature of the threat. I didn't believe anything bad would happen because I knew those mages. I liked them, some of them a lot. It didn't matter. I wasn't spared. I was just..." He shrugged, this time a much tighter jerk of muscle than the ones before. "I don't know why I'm here. It wasn't mercy on their part." He fell quiet enough that it seemed he might not continue until he abruptly did.
"So...as someone who has sworn to protect them as well as others from them, I see the fear I still hold as valuable. It may allow me to see something I missed then. If it prevents another Kinloch Hold, I'd say it's worth what I paid for it, and as long as I don't use it as an excuse for abuse, it serves them, too."
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"Better? No." He shook his head, looking out over the water. "But much harder not to." He shivered before he could suppress it. It didn't take much of anything to throw him back to that time. The waking flashbacks had stopped some time ago, his dreams a harder holdout. Still, the touch of magic over his skin unexpectedly could have his heart racing in his chest and his muscles quivering to act, direct threat or no. It was part of what made him so good at his job, his ability to go from zero to action at the slightest touch of mana across his senses.
He clenched his fingers together atop his lap. "I don't hate them anymore. I did at first. I'm not proud of that. It wasn't right, but...I couldn't do otherwise. At first I didn't want to try. Then I did and still couldn't. Finally...I don't know. I don't claim to be some bastion of morality. I got tired of being ruled by anger, and I turned out to have better stamina than the emotion when I set my mind to it. I guess I gradually wore all of that down."
He finally looked at her again, an honest, unapologetic look. "I was too complacent before what happened to me. I refused to see the nature of the threat. I didn't believe anything bad would happen because I knew those mages. I liked them, some of them a lot. It didn't matter. I wasn't spared. I was just..." He shrugged, this time a much tighter jerk of muscle than the ones before. "I don't know why I'm here. It wasn't mercy on their part." He fell quiet enough that it seemed he might not continue until he abruptly did.
"So...as someone who has sworn to protect them as well as others from them, I see the fear I still hold as valuable. It may allow me to see something I missed then. If it prevents another Kinloch Hold, I'd say it's worth what I paid for it, and as long as I don't use it as an excuse for abuse, it serves them, too."